There came a point in my life where waking up was insignificant. Pointless. Unimportant.
"Do I have to wake up?" I would ask myself. The rational answer was yes. So I did. I pushed my blanket away, and pulled myself up. I woke up, got dressed. I faced life.
Now, that seemingly once-in-a-lifetime point has multiplied. It's safe to say that it has become a circle. A cycle of my life that I can't escape.
Everyday, I struggle with waking up, with getting up and having to face the events of the day. Just thinking of responsibilities pain me. Deciding what to wear tires me out already. What more of walking from class to class, racking up my brains for an answer to question number three, keeping my cool when the professor calls on me?
When my classes for the day are all over, I crash on my bed. I stare up the bunk on top of mine, and watch a recap of my day. Complete crap. What did I expect. I am anxious about how this will greatly affect me in the future. What's worse though, is am more tired than I am anxious.
All these obligations suffocating me, I want them flying out the window. I don't want to think about deadlines, exams, and passing rates. I don't want to spend all-nighters memorizing definitions and terms and formulas. I want all of this to be over. I want to put a stop on my recurring failures. I want to walk away from this life and never come back again.
Sometimes I ask myself, What would have happened if I made that choice instead of this? Would I still be messed up? Would I still be unmotivated? Would I be passing with flying colors instead of failing? Would there have been a happier me?
Happiness seems so far away. It sits high at the summit; I am barely at the foot of the mountain. Even when I succumb to my desires of sleeping and sleeping and sleeping, in hopes of feeling better later, I wake up feeling void. Empty. Burned out. I am even disgusted at how the negativity is getting to me. Sure, I never was a huge talker, but I used to be optimistic. I used to dream big and achieved things. Now I'm just this empty shell sitting through lectures and never understanding a thing that was discussed. I couldn't even remember the last time I felt and lived in genuine happiness.
I can't really explain why I'm feeling so low for months. Why I'm hating myself more and more with each passing day. Why I can't accomplish school requirements without experiencing waves of anxiety. I don't know why I have become like this. Am I allowed to feel like this? Do I have valid reasons to be like this?
It's not laziness, that I am sure of. My laziness is opening up all my books and readying all pens and notebooks and starting to summarize Chapter 1 then leaving it to go on to social media. This circle I'm trapped in is darker and more ominous. It reminds me of the things I have to do, people I have to meet, but it never allows me. It closes in on me, reminding me over and over again with my obligations but never letting me go to work on them. When I finally find an exit, it's too late. My to-do list grows longer and never gets checked off, deadlines get nearer, anxiety builds up inside me, and my brain goes blank for days and days and days. And the circle comes back again.
I just want this emptiness to be gone. This anxiety to calm down and go away. I want my will to live to come back. I just want this ring of depression around me to get cut off and thrown away to the deepest, darkest part of the abyss.
"Do I have to wake up?" I would ask myself. The rational answer was yes. So I did. I pushed my blanket away, and pulled myself up. I woke up, got dressed. I faced life.
Now, that seemingly once-in-a-lifetime point has multiplied. It's safe to say that it has become a circle. A cycle of my life that I can't escape.
Everyday, I struggle with waking up, with getting up and having to face the events of the day. Just thinking of responsibilities pain me. Deciding what to wear tires me out already. What more of walking from class to class, racking up my brains for an answer to question number three, keeping my cool when the professor calls on me?
When my classes for the day are all over, I crash on my bed. I stare up the bunk on top of mine, and watch a recap of my day. Complete crap. What did I expect. I am anxious about how this will greatly affect me in the future. What's worse though, is am more tired than I am anxious.
All these obligations suffocating me, I want them flying out the window. I don't want to think about deadlines, exams, and passing rates. I don't want to spend all-nighters memorizing definitions and terms and formulas. I want all of this to be over. I want to put a stop on my recurring failures. I want to walk away from this life and never come back again.
Sometimes I ask myself, What would have happened if I made that choice instead of this? Would I still be messed up? Would I still be unmotivated? Would I be passing with flying colors instead of failing? Would there have been a happier me?
Happiness seems so far away. It sits high at the summit; I am barely at the foot of the mountain. Even when I succumb to my desires of sleeping and sleeping and sleeping, in hopes of feeling better later, I wake up feeling void. Empty. Burned out. I am even disgusted at how the negativity is getting to me. Sure, I never was a huge talker, but I used to be optimistic. I used to dream big and achieved things. Now I'm just this empty shell sitting through lectures and never understanding a thing that was discussed. I couldn't even remember the last time I felt and lived in genuine happiness.
I can't really explain why I'm feeling so low for months. Why I'm hating myself more and more with each passing day. Why I can't accomplish school requirements without experiencing waves of anxiety. I don't know why I have become like this. Am I allowed to feel like this? Do I have valid reasons to be like this?
It's not laziness, that I am sure of. My laziness is opening up all my books and readying all pens and notebooks and starting to summarize Chapter 1 then leaving it to go on to social media. This circle I'm trapped in is darker and more ominous. It reminds me of the things I have to do, people I have to meet, but it never allows me. It closes in on me, reminding me over and over again with my obligations but never letting me go to work on them. When I finally find an exit, it's too late. My to-do list grows longer and never gets checked off, deadlines get nearer, anxiety builds up inside me, and my brain goes blank for days and days and days. And the circle comes back again.
I just want this emptiness to be gone. This anxiety to calm down and go away. I want my will to live to come back. I just want this ring of depression around me to get cut off and thrown away to the deepest, darkest part of the abyss.
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