Give Me A Sign, I Want To Believe

We all know that lying is very bad. That lying causes more trouble. That lying will "directly send you to hell". My parents condemn the very act. They never forget on reminding me that lying will bring no good to life, and I must never try to lie or hide anything from them. And I, being programmed to do so, nod and say yes.

I guess there is something wrong with my code because, despite all the warnings and reminders and the numerous do's and don'ts implanted in my ROM, I cannot execute what is expected of me.

'Don't lie'. Ha. I can't even remember when I uttered my first lie. I am terribly sorry for disobeying this one on an almost 24/7 basis. You call and ask for my whereabouts and almost automatically I answer with an "I'm only here at the dorm" when the truth is I am sipping a relaxing 16 oz. of ice-cold coffee at a 7-11 with one or two friends. You express your strong dislike for student organizations in university and I comfort you, saying that I won't join any of them don't worry, but honestly, I have just taken my org shirt out from the laundry. You fret over my physical health and remind me to get enough sleep and I say yes of course, whilst yawning into the back of my hand because it is my third day of having no sleep at all. I lie a lot, that's the truth.

'Don't hide anything from us'. Unlikely to be able to run said command. If I were to be open to my parents about everything that's going on in my life, about the decisions I have made and will be making, I am 500% positive that they will disagree with everything, and then POOF! The tables have turned, my life will be completely manned by my parents. I will have no say, because apparently my plans are unrealistic or impractical or selfish or shallow or just plain stupid.

Lying and hiding are two of my favorite habits. I don't have to explain anything nor worry whether or not the points I made got through people's heads. It's easier to put on a mask and say the letters 'o' and 'k'. People judge you less. They have no right to look down on you because you're functioning with whatever an "I'm okay; everything's fine" can ensure.

Because when you admit that you are far from being okay, there's a higher chance of getting scolded by your parents than receiving comfort. There will be more judging and criticizing than there will be supporting. More triggers than there are band-aids.

I lie about this flourishing garden of sadness inside me. I lie about enjoying my classes in college. I lie about taking my vitamins every day. I hide the fact that anxiety is holding me captive. I hide this strong desire of wanting to jump off a bridge.

Because I also want to believe that this is just a phase. A short-term effect of stress. I want to believe that there is more happiness in my life, that studying is more fun and interesting, that my overall health is at it's optimal state. I want to believe my very own lie that I am 'okay'.

I Have A Ring, And It's Not 24K Gold

There came a point in my life where waking up was insignificant. Pointless. Unimportant.
"Do I have to wake up?" I would ask myself. The rational answer was yes. So I did. I pushed my blanket away, and pulled myself up. I woke up, got dressed. I faced life.

Now, that seemingly once-in-a-lifetime point has multiplied. It's safe to say that it has become a circle. A cycle of my life that I can't escape.

Everyday, I struggle with waking up, with getting up and having to face the events of the day. Just thinking of responsibilities pain me. Deciding what to wear tires me out already. What more of walking from class to class, racking up my brains for an answer to question number three, keeping my cool when the professor calls on me?

When my classes for the day are all over, I crash on my bed. I stare up the bunk on top of mine, and watch a recap of my day. Complete crap. What did I expect. I am anxious about how this will greatly affect me in the future. What's worse though, is am more tired than I am anxious.

All these obligations suffocating me, I want them flying out the window. I don't want to think about deadlines, exams, and passing rates. I don't want to spend all-nighters memorizing definitions and terms and formulas. I want all of this to be over. I want to put a stop on my recurring failures. I want to walk away from this life and never come back again.

Sometimes I ask myself, What would have happened if I made that choice instead of this? Would I still be messed up? Would I still be unmotivated? Would I be passing with flying colors instead of failing? Would there have been a happier me?

Happiness seems so far away. It sits high at the summit; I am barely at the foot of the mountain. Even when I succumb to my desires of sleeping and sleeping and sleeping, in hopes of feeling better later, I wake up feeling void. Empty. Burned out. I am even disgusted at how the negativity is getting to me. Sure, I never was a huge talker, but I used to be optimistic. I used to dream big and achieved things. Now I'm just this empty shell sitting through lectures and never understanding a thing that was discussed. I couldn't even remember the last time I felt and lived in genuine happiness.

I can't really explain why I'm feeling so low for months. Why I'm hating myself more and more with each passing day. Why I can't accomplish school requirements without experiencing waves of anxiety. I don't know why I have become like this. Am I allowed to feel like this? Do I have valid reasons to be like this?

It's not laziness, that I am sure of. My laziness is opening up all my books and readying all pens and notebooks and starting to summarize Chapter 1 then leaving it to go on to social media. This circle I'm trapped in is darker and more ominous. It reminds me of the things I have to do, people I have to meet, but it never allows me. It closes in on me, reminding me over and over again with my obligations but never letting me go to work on them. When I finally find an exit, it's too late. My to-do list grows longer and never gets checked off, deadlines get nearer, anxiety builds up inside me, and my brain goes blank for days and days and days. And the circle comes back again.

I just want this emptiness to be gone. This anxiety to calm down and go away. I want my will to live to come back. I just want this ring of depression around me to get cut off and thrown away to the deepest, darkest part of the abyss.